pregnancy observations: (nearly) 16 weeks

My second midwife appointment is wednesday, via telehealth. I have a running list of inconsequential questions to ask in the notes app on my phone. (safe tick repellent for pregnancy? I could look this up on the internet but asking a midwife feels more reassuring.) I bought an at-home blood pressure cuff so I can do my part from the couch, Something I never knew I’d buy!

I felt so sad all weekend, and I couldn’t tell exactly why. That feeling where the reasons you’re sad are valid, but the way it sweeps over you feels positively hormonal, like a sheet covering a table. 

With new data coming out about covid-19 and pregnancy mixed with general fear and trembling, it’s looking like I’ll have to stay pretty strictly quarantined throughout this pregnancy or risk damaging the placenta and hurting the baby – whether this is true or not, whether the risk is as real as I’m perceiving it is, I’m grieving the loss of everything I thought pregnancy would look like in an ordinary world: last carefree trips with friends across the country, copious thrift shopping for baby clothes, meals out with Isaiah with hot pizza and beer, easy family dinners with my parents, maybe even a little babymoon trip to somewhere simple. all of those little hopes feel like they’ve vanished in a puff of smoke and it’s difficult. And if many of these things still are possible, choosing them and feeling safe are a different matter entirely. Still, this grief feels small in contrast to the way covid-19 has already completely ravaged so many other people’s lives, not to mention the urgency of the black lives matter movement. there are worse things than being pregnant and cooped up in a house on a hill in pittsburgh. 

My back hurts! Such a classic pregnancy symptom, the kind I expected, but still it’s surprising to feel. 

I’m still not really showing, though I am sort of puffy around the middle and my clothes feel weird to wear. I feel truly unprepared for how distorted my body will feel soon. It’s unimaginable. 

At 16-ish weeks, I’m past the point where bad things usually happen in pregnancies, but for some reason that makes me more worried than I was before. I was up at 3 am the other night panic-googling late miscarriage after some cramping (that turned out to just be digestion related —par for the course), which I’d never allowed myself to do in the first trimester. Early on, I felt open to the possibility of losing the baby or something going wrong mostly by forcing myself to remember the facts. Now I feel my fist closing — I want this baby to live. 

Better to think of short time, days, than long time, years right now. Trying to imagine having a child feels way scarier than trying to imagine giving birth or having an infant. For some reason my mind keep trying to stretch way ahead — how will I handle x,y,z thing that goes on with five-year-olds? when will we have a second baby? Why am I thinking about that???

I watched that Ina May Gaskin midwifery documentary this weekend — so many earth mamas having effortless-seeming unmedicated births making it look positively blissful and easy! Balanced that image by re-reading the super stressful birth story in Meaghan O’Connell’s brilliant book, And Now We Have Everything, that shows a stark contrast. Doing my best to have few expectations for how my own birth will go – I’ll see when I get there! 

My birthday is thursday. I feel super aware that it’s my last birthday before I am someone’s mom. The identity shift I’m in the midst of is really overwhelming me. I think this phrase so often: it will never be like this again. 

I am finally back to being able to eat a larger range of foods and having the energy to prepare them. Cooking in the first trimester felt entirely out of the question, and that was disheartening. I ate green apples and almond butter for dinner too many times to count. Now, I added lots of veggies to the grocery list this weekend and have a vague plan to prepare something each night. Even that humble hope still feels ambitious. Have really been enjoying cheerios and milk for breakfast – PLUS coffee is back in my life! Thank goodness! 

Sometimes I feel really excited about discovering who I am as a mother – knowing that my capacity will expand but that I will still be myself. What new things will I love? What will be joyful? What will surprise me?

Before pregnancy I did yoga daily. The first trimester made even walking the dog feel like a triumph. Now I’m feeling like I should get back to the yoga but I don’t know what time of day and I don’t really have that old desire or drive. Am I just being lazy or stubborn? 

I started knitting a tiny baby sock. Such pleasant tasks to do!

We are invited on a fourth of july camping trip with Isaiah’s family, and I keep debating whether or not it’s safe, covid-wise. One would think you could effectively socially distance at a campsite, but do I really want to spend a full few days camping in a mask? So hard to know the right thing to do. 

I’m still exhausted – but it feels different from the fatigue. With fatigue I wanted to sleep or stare at the ceiling. With exhaustion (emotional and physical), I know I have the energy to do things but I’m struggling to choose which things, to order my tasks, and the energy feels like it’s being squeezed very slowly from a small opening like toothpaste. Too much force and I become a big sticky mess. 

I’ve discovered and joined the big pittsburgh moms facebook group which I could read literally for hours – it is endlessly fascinating! The things people ask! The variety of human queries and needs! The thoughtful answers so many people respond with! I can’t imagine myself ever posting anything (I’m so self-reliant, and also really good at finding what I need to know from google), but never say never! For now it feels like a research project. What is this huge culture I’m stepping into? 

I haven’t bought a single item for the baby. I wonder what the first thing will be? 

I feel sometimes like I’m in a long hallway. What will happen when I turn the doorknob and walk through the door at the end of the hall? 

I’m afraid of becoming boring. I’m afraid of becoming bored.